The Train

Life is coming at me like a freight train. I find myself running for the train with the hubby beside me. I'm running and running, I think my side is going to split...then suddenly...I can't run anymore. I have to stop...within that split second, the train speeds past and is on its way. The hubby and I are standing beside the tracks watching it.

I'm looking closely at him. He's looking at that train with a forlorn look. I can see he really wanted to get on. Then he turns to me and gives me that forced smile I keep seeing from him so much lately. "It's ok" he mouths. But I know it's not ok...We've missed the train...

When I was 16, my uncle convinced my parents to put me on a train to Washington, DC. The took me to the station and my dad came onto the train to see me off. I dawdled in getting myself situated and was very overwhelmed with the whole experience (how do I get my ticket, what do I do? Should I sit here?). My dad was getting impatient with me. Then suddenly, the train started to move. For a few minutes my dad was horrified to realize he was stuck on the train. I started to cry when I realized that I put my dad in this predicament. My dad turned to me and said something that was so my dad...

"Life's an adventure."

An adventure...

When I was 19, one woman said to me "I'd love to take you to a cliff and just let you fly."

I'd love to be able to jump off that cliff, to say "Yes" without thinking or worrying incessantly about the fall. I'd like to be able to jump off that cliff without turning around and calling every girlfriend in my phonebook and go "I was thinking of doing this...is that ok? What do you think? What would you do? Do you know? Do you think you know? Do you think you might know? Do you know someone? Do they know?"

Funny, I should think of my dad right now. Of course I would, I always do. I always have. But now...I have to think about the hubby...about the boob...about my little man and about my new bubsey...They are what matters now. Them...and me...

When I was 14, I moved in with my dad and stepmom. My stepmom said to me and my dad "You think this is going to be all roses and ice cream...well it's not."

And she wasn't kidding...it wasn't. All roses have thorns and honestly, ice cream isn't that good for you...but you know what...you can learn to hold a rose without touching the thorns...and if you make ice cream with coconut milk...it's not that bad for you...

So there are me and the hubby...beside the tracks...and we suddenly both look at each other and smile...All three of the kids are with us...He picks up the boob and he starts running after the train. He's an awesome runner...he's going to make it. I get the bubsey in the snuggly, then grab the little man and I'm off after them. The hubby gets closer to the train, the boob is able to grab onto to the back and get herself on. He jumps on after her. They are calling after me.

"Come on mommy!!! YOU ROCK!!!"

I'm running on pure adrenaline now. Running without thinking. Getting closer and closer...I'm close enough to hand the little man to the hubby. He's on. They are calling after me...I'm running, I'm running...I used to be an awesome runner too....I'm so close...when I remember...

I'm a dancer too.

I jump and I grab onto that train. They are all cheering and laughing. Even bubsey. I climb on. We all hug and look out to what we are leaving behind. Then we go inside the train...

There are roses and ice cream on board...