I HAVE to do this. This is a LOOOOOONNNNNGGGGG overdue post. About a year overdue...but since I no longer live in Bealeton, I feel I am safe to post this. 'Bob' isn't gonna come and get me. Well maybe he will. If he has time to track me down, then really he's more pathetic than I thought he was.
Anyhoo. About this time last year, some people stopped by my house to drop off a flyer about an upcoming easter egg hunt in the neighborhood. Included in this was a little newletter type paper. It was written by a man who called himself "Beeltin Bob". Beeltin' Bob declared himself the mayor of Bealeton. My first reaction at reading this was "really? we have a mayor? Maybe he can get that fucking fire department we need really badly." Then as I read on he told more about himself.
Apparently 'Bob' grew up in Bealeton. Then he moved to "The City" (I'm guessing that means Warrenton...I'm being a smartass). After many years he moved back again with his family (cause he's a really cruel sonofabitch to his wife and kids). Now 'Bob' is in love with his Bealeton and feels if there was a slot for mayor, well by golly it should be him.
After this Beeltin' Bob started talking about Bealeton itself and how it was like a city. He said it was like a city because we had different sections in it like a city. There was the 'rich area' (Liberty Run) and the ghetto area (Meadow Brooke --which he called Ghetto Brooke).
First of all, the Beeltin' thing annoyed the shit out of me. I found nothing 'cute' in spelling Bealeton wrong and trying to associate it with Bealeton. Just call yourself Bealeton Bob. The Beeltin' thing appears to me like he's trying to be rednecky or that he associates Bealeton as just a redneck oasis. (ok it is a little rednecky, but not everyone that lives there is). Second, I know people that live in Meadow Brooke. While they do admit to it always being called Ghetto Brooke...they themselves are not ghetto people. There are alot of people that live in Meadow Brooke that are just normal families. Yes ghetto type things happen there (robberies, wild parties, white trash living there), but there's alot of crap going on at Bealeton Station or at the condos at Marsh station. You gonna call that the ghetto? STOP PICKING ON MEADOW BROOKE...you certainly won't win 'votes' from citizens there if you want to become mayor.
However, the best of Bob's newsletter came in the form of a list he provided. It was a top ten list. It was the top ten dating places in Bealeton.
People...even though it's been one year, I cannot let this list go without tearing the shit out of it. I actually did draft this piece last year. Because you know this was something I couldn't sit on. However, the draft was in the form of an email to the bro (you all remember my bro). I sent it to him as a means of making him smile. I think it was successful.
So without further or due, here is Beeltin' Bob's with my comments below.
THE TOP TEN DATING PLACES IN BEALETON:
10. Rollerworks - if you haven't been on skates for a while, you might get close to your date as you fall and grab onto them.
This place has been closed since we moved here and whenever they do 'reopen it' it closes again in months...so hence why it's #10 I guess.
9. Popeye's Who doesn't love some good fried chicken and greasy fingers on a date?
I have no clean comment for this...except that my brother would probably approve of going to Popeye's...but I would hope not on a date...
8. Bealeton Mall - True Value, Radio Shack, Family Dollar, Noah's Ark, Rite Aid - nuff said...
Ok...first off...he considers that STRIP MALL two minutes from my old house a mall??? Since when??? And seriously...WHO in the their RIGHT MIND would take their date to any one of those places??? "Hey baby...let's go to True Value (a hardware store) to pick up some kinky stuff for later, Radio Shack for batteries for our kinky stuff, Family Dollar for a snack, Noah's Ark (a consignment store) for that engagement ring I keep meaning to buy you, and Rite Aid for condoms" ROMANTIC!!! Mind you he doesn't mention the restaurants that are actually there...
...hold on I'm thinking of them...
Wonder if they are still open...
Well there's McDonald's...
7. The Flying Circus - Everyone knows it's here in Bealeton, but who has ever been?
I personally think this should be higher on the list...like #1. And if he wanted to post this right, he could have mentioned...take a picnic lunch...watch the show...go on Hot Air Balloon weekend to take a hot air balloon ride and pop the question with a ring not brought at Noah's ark...but maybe say at least Walmart...Now THAT'S a DATE...(I personally while not very girly maybe would want a ring brought at a place slightly more classy than Walmart...but hey...as long as it's sparkly).
Honestly, I think me, the hubby and the kids combined went more than anyone in Bealeton does...his comment is very true...I mean they get a great crowd, but not Bealeton people. It's sad. Bealeton people, Fauquier people for that matter...GET YOUR ASSES to this show...it's history...and they are building a museum on the ground...a museum in Bealeton...they need money...give them your support!!!! (discount coupons available online...is that motivating you???)
6. Moo-Thru - Get a milkshake with 2 straws...how romantic!
This is probably the only cool suggestions he's made...for teenagers...
5. Karate Class - Perhaps you need to get out some pent up anger?
Seriously? On date? This should be on a list "Top Ten Couples night Out ideas." Nothing like beating the shit out of your hubby and saying "Just sparring honey!"
4. Zumba at Curves - Shake what your Mamma gave yA!
First off, Curves is closing (or closed by now)...as is everything in the strip mall by the vet's office...and second...um...no...to Zumba. Furthermore, if Curves were even still open...correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't Curves a gym for women? What man in his right mind would want to be caught dead at Zumba for one, not to mention at Zumba in a gym for women. Honestly, no 'Bealeton' man I know of. Unless he's not a boyfriend boyfriend...but like "Hey boyfriend" boyfriend...think about it...I know my husband wouldn't do it!
3. Hot Rod Night at DQ - Muscle cars and ice cream!
Again...um...no
2. Karaoke at Jerry's - How much fun would an off-key duet be??
SOO NO!! Jerry's is like the skankiest bar around!!! Really? Jerry's???? I'd put get take out Great Wall Chinese Restaurant and eat in the parking lot before singing Karaoke at Jerry's.
1. Watch a Redbox movie at home - For a relaxing snugglefest, assuming you can find a movie that was made prior to 1995 in at one of the 2 Redbox locations in Bealeton, oh, and we hope it is not "Out of Service".
first off...if this is the best in Bealeton, that is so sad...second off...this suggestion isn't even out in the town of Bealeton, it's at home...it's like saying "There isn't anything to do in Bealeton, stay home." And WTF is up with wanting to see a movie prior to 1995???
Hope this put a smile on your face! Love and miss you all! Even you Beeltin' Bob. If anyone gets another flyer from him...please feel free to send it my way...to shred...xxoo.
