Scotimus vs. The Bro - Part III

This part of the story takes place, after Scotimus kicks the bro to oblivion. Unbeknowest to Scotimus, he kicked the bro into a nearby tree. And what luck, it's the same tree, the bro packs his heat...Scotimus is walking by said tree when the bro assaults him "Take that bitch". Scotimus goes down like a brick and the bro celebrates "Yeah".

Is this the end of Scotimus? Has the bro won? What does he win???

Scotimus vs. the Bro - Part IV

Scotimus vs. the Bro - Part IV

Apparently, Scotimus survived the firearm assault from the bro. He then shows up and says "I'm wearing my bullet proof vest". A barrage of firing between the bro and Scotimus ensues and the bro even gets out his trusty shield. But the shield doesn't stop Scotimus. The bro is crying out..."You got me in my foot!!"

Will the carnage ever end? Where the hell is Grania? Do these two even remember what they were originally fighting about? What were they fighting about??

FERRETBREAK!!!

The hubby and I have two cute ferrets. We used to have four in our hey day but nature took many of our ferrets to the ferret mecca in the sky. Sadly, the hubby and I have yet to recover from the loss of our 'main man' Ty, but we do still love the two we have left over.

I mean...how can you not love them...their ferrets...

I can think of a few reasons why...

Right now we have two 4 1/2 year old boys named Tiki and Duece. They are black and chocolate sables (respectively). Tiki is my mild manner boy with insulinoma and gets two shots daily. Duece is my wild, mischevious nut. We have had to alter the ferret pen many times because Duece's hobby is breaking out. It usually involves him climbing and taking a wild leap out of the pen. Many times this leap includes what looks like a painful landing on the wood barrier around the pen...but hey, he's unfased by the pain to freedom.

The other day the boys were especially wide awake when I went to do their morning routine (medicate Tiki, feed them, clean their paper, check their water level). Feeling bad about being an absent mom since giving birth to a human baby, I decided to let the boys run around the basement. They both did a war dance as they were let out of the pen and went streaking across the house. Anyone that doesn't know anything about ferrets, please note this: Ferrets are like kittens their WHOLE lives. There is no off button. They are always hyper. Hence the need to entertain them.

I went about the morning routine with all the animals. I also took time to check my email and do a few other things. Later that day I had an appointment with the hubby at the bank so I went to get ready (you soooo see where this is going now don't you?)

About an hour later I'm at the bank. I had a full schedule ahead of me. Close account with hubby, return a Christmas gift at Best Buy, use gift certificate at Burlington Crap Factory, do some more shopping. Suddenly, as I'm going down the list, something dawns on me...I don't even turn to hubby, I just blurt out.

"Oh crap, I forgot to put the ferrets back."

Instantly the hubby and I have flashes of a destructed basement. We also realize there was no paper laid down for them to 'do their business' on...oh crap literally...

I had no choice but to go about my day and worry about ferrets later. The drive into Manassas is a bit for me and not worth it to just turn around and go home. So I shopped. Enjoyed myself. I went home and went right to the basement. I knew exactly where the buggers were. They were cozied up together on the water bed under the cover. Not much damage was done. They got a hold of a bag of pillow stuffing, very much enjoyed that. I'm still finding stuffing in various places. Also they surprised us all by 'doing their business' in the corners of the bathroom (GOOD BOYS). Thank god for litter trained ferrets.

So far I'm not noticing anything missing...except a peek a block...

-The BB.

Oooooo, Pie Jesu...Jesus you got alotta kids..

Ok, so I did a rare thing about a month ago...actually over a month ago...I went to church. It was a moment of divine guilt and being Catholic, I gave in and went for my obligatory once every few months.

It had been a while since I'd been in a church. We went for the boob's christening, but we were fortunate enough to schedule a christening on a non-service day...so no big service. It was in, poor water on the baby, and out. Ok so not that quick. It was a nice ceremony just without all the sitting, standing, kneeling, and giving money.

I had never been to the church in my area. Well I had been there, but not for service. It was pretty interesting to see 'country Catholics'. I'm a Jersey catholic. Now we've all heard the Catholic jokes...you know...Catholics don't use birth control (we do), Catholic guilt (yep I get that), Catholics are crazy (yup) and a whole list of others. I can say growing up, even though we weren't big on church, there was definitely one thing I noticed...in New Jersey, very few Catholics feel the need to have a million children. You may have one or two, maybe three families with three/four kids. That's considered alot. Then there's always that ONE family that's insane and has like eight or ten. But their nuts and everyone talks about them behind their backs.

Well, in Virginia...it's not like that...these people are serious die hard Catholics...which surprises me...

I went by myself without the boob. I left her to be a heathen with her dad. There I was sitting in the pew by myself. Instead of trying to figure out the best way to use the hymnal book as a pillow during service, I found myself counting the number of children the people around me had...

Woman to my left...four kids...
Woman to my right...five kids...
Woman in front of me...six kids...
Oh here comes my friend...she's got eight, crazy nut...(god bless her I love her, but seriously)...
Oh here comes my other friend, she just had her fourth...
Woman two pews up...five kids...
Woman three pews up...six kids...

Now my friend with eight kids, she's no dummy. She brought her three youngest kids. I guess her husband came to an eariler service with the other five. Good...sucker...Well I see another woman come into the church. I swear there were so many kids walking in front of her they were quacking...'quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack'...seven quackers quacking in front of her and she was carrying the eighth...a baby in a beautiful white dress...

Then word started getting around how one family that WASN'T there just welcomed their tenth child into their family. TENTH...I have to tell a friend of mine that just had her fourth that 'at least you don't have ten'. She'd probably say "I'd have to shoot myself". Don't get me wrong, I love kids...but there becomes a moment when I think...it's just too much. And while I'm sure these mothers can spread their love around...I can't see me being able to spread my love around so much. And I don't find that fair to any child.

I began feeling that my fertility was way way behind. I began to thing "How dare I get my life together before I had a child. I should have gotten it together way before or just gave up and had babies before my fertility abilities died down..." Then I thought, I should get home right away and start on that next child...Then Jesus bitch slapped me and I came back to reality. Spoiling this child now...another can come when I am damn good and ready. And I'm not ready ya'll...

I noted during that trip the lowest number of children anyone there had was four. Four...boy am I behind. I could only imagine how much this increased the amount people put in the little envelopes that you throw into the collection plate. Me, I get those little envelopes every month...they go right into the garbage...so I just throw in a dollar for Jesus. He's a single guy, he can go shopping at the dollar store...or Wal-mart.

The Oldest Cat in the World

Ok..so I know I was supposed to write about going to church this Sunday but will all have to wait. Divine inspiration came today.

So the boob, Signal and I are at the vet for Signal's one year check up. She's been drinking alot of water so they do an on-the-spot urine check. We were all waiting for the results. As I was waiting, I was of course looking at all the pictures and decorations in the waiting room. One picture caught my eye. It was a picture of a cat and there was a letter next to it. It went something like this.

"We had a client named Kitty Furry (I made up the name). Kitty Furry was literally the Oldest cat in the World. Kitty was 27 when he died. He would have been in the Guiness Book of World Records, however Kitty's records were lost in a fire years ago. Kitty will be missed...blah, blah, blah..."

All I could think of as I read this was...Mystic is 19 years old. Boy would the hubby be pissed if he lived to 27.

I better find his original owner for his records...

-The BB

Obnoxious Christmas Displays

The other day, I went out to do some errands. It was daylight when I left, but when I returned, it was nighttime. As I came in the house, I expected it to be pitch black because no lights were on and usually when no lights are on, it is such. I noticed my dining room was light up, so assumed maybe the hubby turned on the kitchen night light. When I walked into my dining room, it happened...

I WAS BLINDED...MY GOD, JESUS CHRIST WHO THIS HOLIDAY IS FOR, WHY MOTHER MARY OF GOD!!!

"Honey, you HAVE to come see this" I say with my mouth STILL gaping.

"See what? What did your dog do now?"

"Not our dog, our neighbors."

Ok...um, my neighbors, across the street from the neighbors BEHIND me...have the BRIGHTEST, TACKIEST display of lights I have EVER seen. And I'm sure my neighbor behind me is worse because I've seen his display before, but because I can SEE the neighbor's across the street from him display, I'm giving them the award. I can't see the neighbor's behind me display...well because he's behind me...can't you figure out why. He lives on a cul-de-sac, so I have a clear view of the neighbors behind them.

I mean...this display...if it moves, lights up, is a fake, lighted Xmas tree...it's on their lawn. And there appears to be spotlights lighting up the show too. However, it turns out it's not spotlights, it's actually the light reflecting from the neighbor's behind me display. His display is so equally tacky (and as I said I know this from seeing it), the brightness from his display reflects off his neighbor's across the street display.

To add insult to injury they have the balls to turn on their front door lights. Literally people, I look out my back door and it's as bright as daylight back there. That's obnoxious. The other neighors in the court have 'normal' displays with lighted up trees and lights on the house. Their houses make the lights on my shrubs, front fence, light pole and the nicely decorated holy tree in my front yard look like white trash.

There are reindeer, Santa's sleighs, Santa's, Electric trees all out on display back behind me. Enough electricity to...well I can't even imagine. I mean these are the same neighbors that told me that pool filters should be run 13 hours a day. No...we ran ours 1-2 hours a day...while we used it. Sometimes *gasp* we skipped days. Our pool fared fine and our electric bill was saved.

I'm sure these displays are one neighbor trying to outdo the other. I don't remember the neighbors across the street being so 'bright' last year. So I'm chalking this up to a war going on across the street. But I know...every time they plug in their lights for the night...Al Gore cries out in pain...

-The BB

Now why the hell are they blinking?

I hope all of you had a wonderful, relaxing Thanksgiving. I think there is no better way to come out of my hiatus than making a Christmas time blog for you. Almost seems fitting since one of my first blog posts was about Christmas...but that one was shumultzy compared to this.

To everyone, I hope you all enjoyed this wonderful weather this weekend. We were lucky bastards to have such beautiful weather. To all the people that decorate their homes on the holidays...we were super lucky bastards because there is nothing easier than putting lights on your house in sunny weather.

As promised, I started my decorating at 9am on Friday. The hubby had his list of 'honeydews' so he didn't help decorate which was fine with me. This was really fine with him because he got out of fighting with the lights. Hey let the little woman do it right? Well this little woman kicks ass...sorta.

I very efficiently pulled out all the lights we have and took one hour to check and make sure all the lights were in working order. Then I took them outside to lace around the shrubs, trees, and the mini fence in our front yard. The first strand went great. I went to plug in the second strand (I was smart, I plugged them in as I went to weave them) and one row was out. What the hell? I think to myself. I try to find this mysterious bulb and of course I go through the whole row...nothing. People...did you know a string of 100 miniature lights is only $1.95 at the Home Depot? Save yourself time...through out the fuckers and buy new lights...

-The BB (short and sweet and to the point today)

Tomorrow (Obnoxious Christmas Displays)
Tuesday (The BB goes to Church)

Burlington Crap Factory

Clarification: My birthday was October 27th...I updated this blog on the 27th...but the post says the 26th...fucker...well...it's the 27th...mark it down on the your birthday alarms...'aight?

Anyhoo...

You can't get cash back on your cash back policy

When I was pregnant with the boob, I of course registered at the baby stores. Unfortunately, some stores were only in New Jersey, and others were only in Maryland/Virginia. This seemed cool to me because then not everyone would be flocking to one store.

One store I registered at in NJ made a few people cringe. Burlington Coat Factory. *cringe* Apparently, Burlington sucked because they had a pretty crappy return policy. You basically had to have a receipt, the card the item was purchased with, and you had to stand on your head, reciete the Gettysburg address, then reciete the Nicene Creed. (People...there was not cash back policy).

Recently, Burlington was trying to make itself appear more kinder, gentler (and less burly) by issuing a new cash back policy. With any receipt, an item with tags still attached could be returned for cash or store credit.

Now...for boob's birthday my godmother went insane and brought her way more clothes than any 1 year old needs. Of course some clothes didn't fit, some didn't look right, and some were just not going to be good for this season. So, off the boob and I went to test this new 'store policy'. We get to Burly Factory and promptly find customer service. I'm greated by a cahsier who looks at me blankly and goes "you want to return this?"

"Um, yeah".

I give her the receipts with the items I wanted to return circled (thought it would make the process and her life easier). She looks them over and then says .

"We unfortunately need the card used to purchase these items in order to give money back."

"Well, I don't want to put money back on that card. I don't think my aunt would want that. I would be fine with store credit."

Suddenly the girl's eyes get wide and she almost seems to go wild.

"We can't do that" she spats at me.

I calmly say "Well it says on your store policy you can."

Before my calm persona has a chance to break another girl comes up and explains to the cashier that they can indeed give me store credit (HA!). The cahsier starts rifling through my returns (quite a few) and starts sighing and huffing. I am, at this point, biting my lip trying not to hate. The cahsier looks at the receipts and says to her friend "Well who circled all this?"

I grit, "I did, I thought I was helping you."

I am of course, ignored which is fine because I really don't want to fight for fear that store policy says fighting with cashiers will result in zero returns.

Suddenly, the cashier notices that all the tags have been reaffixed. Let me quickly explain that my godmother removed all the price tags for gift giving reasons, but gave me them all in case I wanted to return anything. She also anally wrote on the back of each tag what was what (YEHA!) So, I just reattahced the tags, then circled them on the receipt. I know the numbers match and I know each tag is what the item is. However, the cahsier thinks I'm trying to pull something. She asks an employee in infants to check the prices on all my returns. The employee looks at her as if to say "Are you friggin' kidding me?" She takes five minutes, returns and says they are fine. She looks at me as if to say "I can't believe this bitch is putting you through this" (she was nice to me when I went shopping in the infants department later).

Finally, the cashier starts getting my return ready. All the while, sighing, tisking, and huffing. I wanted to go "Why are you giving me a hard time for returning my items. Is it THAT HARD to do?" But again, thinking it's not store police to insult the cashier.

I got cash and a gift card back for my return. The great find at BCF was 99 cent bath books. I've been combing the stores for these things for month. They are great for a teething boob. But alas, nothing else in BCF was to scream home about. Really sad, but the experience of trying to return my items has permanently turned me off from the place.

-The BB

To my friends on my 30th Birthday

I'm feeling sappy...and I know there is no day but today. So today for my birthday, I'm sending a message to each of my friends.

TSCGirl - Thank you for sticking around, lending an ear, and being all around supportive. Also thank you for welcoming in your family (I feel like part of the furniture!). I am grateful after all these years that you are still my friend and even more grateful that we've grown closer through the years.

Kenazz - It's amazing how some people stick with you...and you have no idea why...that's all I got. Just remember, I taught you all you know ;).

AlJoJo - I am so happy we've crossed paths again. My favorite memory was you taking me to see your old home after Insight. It was so nice to relieve that with you. And now it's been great talking babies with you and sharing in the moments as our family grows. You're an awesome mother and I am so proud that you are such a business woman too! You are very talented and awesome at what you do.

Daisies - Wow, we've known each other how long? Too cool. Thanks for looking me up. It's been great reconnecting with you. I hope soon to completely catch up, but for now, I'll take it in bits in pieces. You were always a great friend as a kid and I can tell you are going to be one in our adulthood too.

DeeDee - You know some friends completely blow you off after you have a kid, but not you. Thank you for being so great to Tori. Also thank you for encouraging me all these times to get out and shop or hang out. Mall walking didn't induce labor, but it did help me in other ways. Thanks for being constantly supportive, nice, and also for keeping in touch.

Whispers - You girl...you alone out of all of them have seen the worst of times I've been through. And I can honestly say if it weren't for you, I would have been dead. Thank you for feeding me when I had no food, taking me in when I had no home, and most of all carrying me on your back when I had cramps. That's friendship girl! And when I'm doubting some decisions I've made (you know which ones) for supporting me because you know, you know what I went through, you know why I have to do what I do. Finally, thank you for giving me my godson. You need to come here and see how many photos I have of him around my house...Tori's just catching up now...I love him, I love you...You too are more than a friend, a sister. Bloodsisters, forever. Finally, to your psychic abilities to always know when I'm thinking of you and calling me.

Dork - I'm your geek. Thank you thank you for being loyal and there whenever I truly uly need you. I look at our girls and see us all over again...oh boy!!! PS...we need to take our 2006 picture...something with the girls...

Beavis - Dude, I'll never think of hare krishnas, Walmart, or 'the sun' without thinking of you. I think about you more than you know. I love ya dude. There was a time when we were our longest relationships. Now we have husbands.

Mele - I am so glad I've gotten to know you. Your are the sweetest, most thoughtful person ever. Thank you for always including me in your life. Remember, you are a wonderful person. You derserve the best in life and I pray for that for you.

Moolady - You were the best prom date ever!! Thanks for sticking around. Also thanks for the house advice, kid advice, all around advice. You rock.

B - It's been a pleasure to watch you grow. Thank you for also being a part of my life. I hope you continue to be forevermore.

Grania - You are the sister I always dreamed of. You have become this amazing woman. And I am so happy to have been there for almost every moment. I'm not there for them all, but I think of you so much. And I am so grateful for whatever time we do get to spend together. Especially since you are so busy!! The boob looks up to your already. You are the perfect aunt.

Bro - When my life was dark you were the light that brought me out the darkness. You are the coolest, brightest, sweetest person I know. By now I thought you would want nothing to do with me, but you still do. And I have so much fun when I spend time with you. In the case of siblings, I definitely lucked out with you. I love you.

J - When I first moved from NJ, I would hear a car speed past my new house and I waited. But it wasn't you coming to visit. Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for being you. You never try to be anything you aren't. You are who you are, and that's what I like best about you. Also thank you for never ever saying anything (well you don't say much period) by way of talking down to me or making me feel bad. Finally, thank you for being an awesome listener. I'm trying to be better in letting you get a word in edgewise. One more thing, I know you are going to be something, because you have never given up. Never give up. It will pay off. I believe in that.

wazis - After having so much trouble finding my place in this new town, I'm grateful to have someone I can turn to and find support from that isn't so far away. Also, I'm grateful to find someone as sick as me >:).

Polarhound - You meet alot of freaks on the internet and god knows I met my share. It's amazing to me that after all the online chatting I did way back when, I only have 'online friend' from those days. But you aren't just an online friend, you are a true friend. One who flies all the way from his home to visit mine (that's pretty amazing). Also you are always thoughtful and good with the advice. Thanks and heres to many more years.

Noodles - Who'da thought a paper could bring two people close together? We will always have our 'baby' that we share. And I was so glad afterwards that you wanted to keep the weekly tradition of seeing me. I miss you so much now that I live in VA and you are in NY. I also miss Noodles and company as much as you probably do. Thanks for always making the trek to see me when I'm in Beachwood. I hope to see you soon and I am so glad to have you as my friend. You love to hear me talk about the boob, but you also provide me with much needed 'girltalk'. Finally, I'm glad I turned you to the dark side of Family Guy :), but I'll remember our hours of watching 'Curb' near to my heart.

Silver - It's been cool getting to know you more and talking about our kids. My thoughts are so with you right now. Thanks for always keeping me posted on your kids, your family, and life.

He Who Protects the Cheese - There are days I have no idea what my mission in life is...and then there are days it's crystal clear. No one will ever understand or get you, but I hope I at least do. Thank you for offering up (without me asking) the best praise and reminders of how good a person I am and can be. I am honored to be your friend. It's pretty sweet.

Booboohead - I wouldn't be where I am without you. Without you I would never have had the courage to finish school. Without you, I would never have believed I could live on my own. Without you I would never have believed I could return to theatre. Without you, I would have never thought my dreams are possible. I'm still working on them, but I'm hoping with your support I can achieve them. You are an amazingly smart and talented man. I'm in constant awe of you. I am one lucky woman. But I can also say with strong confidence...you are one lucky man :).

That's the WORD..Happy Birthday to me...