But...It's MY Truck...

One day, I got a text from my friend, DeNeale.  The text said, "hey would hubby let you use his drums when he's not home?"

I was in the middle of food shopping with two small boys, so I couldn't just text her back.  I needed both of my hands to keep kids from falling out of the cart and to grab groceries.  As I navigated the aisles of Shoprite, I discussed DeNeale's question with  her (Yes, i'm that woman you hate in the grocery store).

"Hey." she answered.

"Hey.  I'm food shopping, but I wanted to reply to your text.  See the hubby has this new electric drum kit thjat I personally don't feel comfortable touching without him around, but if it was his regular kit, sure he'd be fine with me touching it.  We've been together long enough that's not even an issue.

My answer was met with silence.  Then I heard DeNeale go "Mmmm, hmmm..."  and it was the kind of 'mmmm, hmmmm' that probably translated to "See, I was right."  It was then I realized that DeNeale was with her husband.  As soon as I realized this, I heard Eddie go "Whatever" in a defeated voice.

"Eddie's got a new truck.  He said I can't drive it." DeNeale explained to me.

"Oh." I said, now understanding the point behind the text, "Well I'm sorry, but if Eddie wanted to prove his point, he should have said 'hubby would never let me touch the vaccum when he's not around.'"

This is totally a true statement.  I could break out every instrument in this house and the hubby wouldn't mind.  In fact, he would praise my sudden interest in the arts.  However, if I lay one hand on his precious Dyson, he becomes like Peter Griffin in Family Guy when Meg touches the thermostat.  He'll appear out of nowhere and go:

"Who touched the vaccum?"

There have been days when he'll come home from work and ask me.

"Do you have something to tell me?"

I'll look at him and go "Yes, I cheated on you with the vaccum."

"Dammit." He'll mutter, walking away, hurt that the two loves of life betrayed him (yes, I know this vaccum isn't a person, but my husband doesn't).

There are days when the kids will spill crackers or cereal on the floor that the dog won't eat (don't judge).  I feel I must clean it up so my husband can come home to a clean house.  Instead of being appreciative of the effort, he's mad.

"You deprived me of the joy of cleaning it up." will be his reaction.

Yep, Eddie, you definitely used the wrong argument in your defense...next time, use the vaccum...

Do you mind...?

Ok...so if I'm posting, it HAS to be good.  Something motivated me to totally post this.  Honestly, I had to post this, because I realized AFTER I posted on Facebook that maybe people would get offended...and well that's what this blog is for, keeping things away from the facebook people.

The story:  I finally, FINALLY had an appointment for me.  Lately all doctors appointments have been for the kids.  Come October 1st, we will be here one year.  That means it's been well over one year since I've seen a dentist, MD, or even an OB.  Therefore, all these things need to get done.  The kids have been visitng the dentist alot this year, so I decided to make an appointment with the dentist.

Before I get into the visit, I need to backpedal a bit.  Our family dentist is a very friendly guy.  He LOVES my son, which gets him bonus points right there, because most people think he's just a pain.  My son, in turn, is very good for the dentist when he's there, so it's always an enjoyable experience.  You rarely ever hear a parent say that about going to the dentist.  But besides being nice and all, he's pretty nice to look at.

And please, don't get on me about checking out the dentist.  People that know the hubby knows he checks out women ALL THE TIME.  I'm married to the hubby, I love the hubby, but you know, I LOOK TOO.

So here we are, dentist day (or evening) for me.  He comes in, goes over my old x rays from Tucson, takes some X-rays, talks to me a bit about things.  Then he goes to start the exam.  That's when he says to me:

"You don't mind being horizontal do you?"

...

People, it took everything in my power to not die laughing in that chair.  Like a good girl, I sat in the chair while he lowered it and examined my teeth.  However, every time he looked away or turned around to do something, I would break out in a smile and have to stop myself from losing it.

I'm sure he meant it as an innocent question.  However, you all know me and my dirty mind.  I was afraid if I burst out laughing, I would completely embarass him.  I already joked when he asked if I could be pregnant, "if I am, that doctor down the road owes my hubby some money!"

I'm too much.

And FYI: When I got into my car, I burst out laughing.

Please Present your Birth Certificate, Social Security Card, and Retina Scan...

Ok, so like I have some explaining to do...but real quick in a nutshell, let me explain it...

Moved to Arizona...got dreamhouse, fell in love with the place after hating it for a few months...hubby didn't like job...moved back...happy to be around family...miss dreamhouse...learning lesson in materialism...(talk about that later)...

By moved back, I don't mean Bealeton...by moved back I mean back to the east coast, back to family, back a little closer to friends (but not close enough).  We moved to Maryland, a little North of Baltimore and that's all you really need to know.  I live closer to my parents than I have in twelve years and that's kind of cool.  Makes traveling easier.

So why write as the Bealeton Babe you ask?  Why not create a new blog?  Well because I created a new blog in Arizona and look how fucking well that turned out...See adventure in Arizona while it's still up...because in a few days, I'm going to delete it and just move the posts here...gradually...when my heart heals (yes husband, I'm laying on the guilt trip thick...because that's how the Bealeton Babe would do it..).  And while we are on that subject still...if you haven't figured it out, the bealeton Babe just isn't a blog about living in Bealeton, she is also a persona I take on...kind of like another personality...so the blog stays...deal with it...

Anyway, the real reaons for this post...I MOVED.  When you move this means you have to fill your new address on like fifty fucking hundred forms at school, the doctor's office...and the lovely place we like to call DMV...or MVA as it's called in Maryland.  Two weeks ago, I went to the MVA to finally get my Maryland Driver's license.  I went while two of my three children were in school and my youngest was napping.  It seemed like the smart and sane thing to do.

Before going to the DMV...I mean MVA...I researched carefully what I would need to bring because I wanted to be prepared.  It sucks enough to have to wait at these places, sucks even more to have to go home and start over again because you forgot one very much needed piece of paper.  Items listed on the DMV...I mean MVA..website that someone like me (getting a license after moving) would need:

2 forms of identification...birth certificate, current driver's license, US Passport...I chose to bring my birth certificate & AZ driver's license...I don't really like carting my US Passport around...too afraid of losing it.

Proof of US residency...apparently a birth certificate isn't enough (and hold your Obama comments people...they annoy me).  You need to bring your social security card for that...a document I really don't like sharing...but for the DMV...I mean MVA...fine...

Two documents that prove your residency...this could be a utility bill, first class mail from a goverment agency, your bill of sale from the house, and other various weird shit they posted that they accept.

Had to bring my marriage license to prove I was married to my husband (don't ask me why...I'm on the bill of sale...and I already am providing proof of my identity)...this said marriage certificate cannot just be signed by a reverend, it had to be signed by a court clerk and a seal had to be affixed.  Why the fuck I would invite the court clerk to my wedding to sign a document, I don't know...but at least I had a seal on it.  I think it's the only reason why they accepted it.  That and it's from Prince George's County, MD.

After collecting these documents and then some, I went to the DMV (excuse me, MVA) with my sleeping toddler to start the Driver's license process.  Amazingly enough, it was not busy there that day.  My wait was maybe a half hour.  This made me pretty happy because I really only had two and a half hours to get my license because my older son was due to get out of school by three.  

I pulled the stroller up to the window and presented all my documents.  Things were going somewhat ok.  At first, the clerk had to get permission to use a tax bill that the department of taxation sent me as proof of residency.  The reason she had issue with it is because I did not have the orginal envelope that it came it...

REALLY????

"Um, no, my husband doesn't keep the envelopes when he gets the mail. Why?"  I answered when asked about the envelope.

"Well because you need to have first class mail from a government agency." the clerk explained.

REALLY???? My fucking name is on the document.  Along with my new address.  Why do you need an envelope with a first class stamp and my new address to prove my residency?  It's on the damn document!!!!

But whatever, she got APPROVAL to use the document.  We proceeded to take my picture and process all the other documents.  Things were going swimmingly when suddenly, the clerk applied the brakes at a most surpising moment.  She picked up my birth certificate, took one look at it and announced...

"I can't use this."

"Excuse me?"

"I can't use this." The clerk repeated, "It's not a birth certificate."

"Um, yes it is."

"No, it isn't.  It's a birth register certificate."

"It's my birth certificate."

"I can't use it. We stopped using them in New Jersey and Maryland."

"I've had this birth certificate my whole life.  I've used it for everything.  It's all I've ever had."

Ok the last bit I said was a lie...there's a funny story about me having THREE birth certificates, but that's like a Bealeton babe birthday post for the future...so for now...just go with the fact that I have ONE birth certificate...that apparently isn't a birth certificate.

"Do you have a passport?" the clerk offered.

"Yes, but not on me because I don't like to carry it.  Besides, you said you would take a birth certificate as a form of ID."

"But we can't take this."

"It's my birth certificate!"  I'm starting to get a little loud and for the first time in a long time the Bealeton Babe is actually coming out in public.

"I'll need your passport."

I stare hard at the clerk, "So I'm going to have to go through all of this again?"

"No miss, we can start from where we left off."

I pointed to my toddler, "Well I hope he stays asleep."

Then I stormed off to go home to get my passport.  As I'm leaving with my paperwork in hand, I started flashing my birth certificate, excuse birth REGISTER certificate to people sitting and waiting.  Like a crazed lunatic that I've become (aka Bealeton Babe), I start shouting "It says BIRTH CERTIFICATE ON TOP...SEE??? BIRTH...CERTIFCIATE!!!  SEE!!!!!!!"

I stormed out, sped home, got my passport, sped back.  I'm starting to get nervous because it's getting dangerously close to pick up time at the preschool.  However, luck is on my side again and I only had one person ahead of me in line.  

This time, I had different lady.  She of course had no knowledge of my previous visit.  She had to go asking around about me so she can figure out where the last clerk left off.  Her manager had to come up and AGAIN explain to me WHY my birth REGISTER certificate won't work.  I have my passport this time, therefore, I have no idea why this is necessary.  This only causes me to snap at her that this is the birth certificate I've had my whole life and that the Department of State found it acceptable to issue me a passport with said birth cerficate.  To which the manager replies:

"Well we don't accept them here.  It doesn't list the parents on there."

REALLY???  REALLY???? Just fucking REALLY?????  The fact that a birth REGISTER certificate has EVERY detail on it that a birth certificate does, right now to the time I was born EXCEPT whose vajayjay I came out of????  And you REALLY need to know that to confirm my identity?  Really??  What do you tell adopted kids?  Really?  What do you tell them?  I just really need to know the exact sperm responsible for your birth and the vajayjay you came out of in order to confirm your identity...Really...think about that.

In the end the passport allowed me to get my MD driver's license from the DMV...I mean...MVA (why can't they just call themselves DMV like EVERYONE else????) They seized my AZ driver's license with the cool picture...bummer, but I made it to preschool with minutes to spare.

What really puts a bee in my bonnet (no there's more), is that they had a record of my previous driver's license from 2002 in Maryland.  Think about that...they have a record of them issuing me a driver's license in 2002.  Therefore, in 2002, I had all the documentation that satisfied them to issue me a driver's license.  What's the fucking fuss for?  Just reinstate my driver's license...for real.

To add insult to injury, not one week later, due to the fact that I proved MY residency and proved MY marriage to the hubby, the hubby received a cool reinstated driver's license in the mail.  Not kidding you people.  Because apparently he moved back to the state, hubby just got a nice little piece of paper to carry with his AZ driver's license that says he has a Maryland driver's license...

You want to know the best part?

The hubby lost his birth certificate during our move from AZ.

How very convienent...

On that note...it's good to be back...

Blue...get a Clue...

Every day with my little man is dejavu.  It's like living with a carbon copy of the bro.  From an obsession with switches and buttons to his determination, he's like my brother.  And recently, he's started watching something that my brother watched religiously as a child.  Blues Clues.

I'll take the Barney phase again, PLEASE.  Don't get me wrong.  I find myself smiling while watching the show with him, but it's mostly a "OMG, I forgot how totally lame this show is."  There are a few things that do make me genuinely smile. But mostly, I'm laughing at the show, not with it.

In case you live under some rock or don't have kids, Blues Clues is a kids show on Nickelodeon.  It first came out when the bro was only five.  The whole premise of Blues Clues, when it first came out, was that children learn by repetition.  That being said, in Nickelodeon's (well Nick Jr's) infinite wisdom, they decided to air the SAME SHOW all WEEK long.  This was in hopes of the child learning something by the end of the week.  Usually, what resulted was that the caregiver wanted to gouge their eye out with a spork by the end of the week.

I'm not really sure how long Blues Clues did the whole "children learn by repetition" thing.  They don't do it (thank god), but if you look at the suicide rates between 1995-1997, I'm sure they are very high.  I know those years are very much a black whole in my memory.  Blues Clues is one of the reasons why.

My friend once came over to my parent's house when the show first came out.  I said to her "Dude, you HAVE to watch this show with me."  She was like "Um...oooookay..."  She could tell from my voice that I was pulling a 'misery loves company' thing with her.  However, she was a good sport and watched.  Within the first three minutes she sat there, just dumbfounded.  Then suddenly she flashed the 'Loser' sign on her forehead.

So here I am, years later, my son spies Blues Clues on Netflix.  I oblige him because it is educational and better than most stuff that is on TV now.  Unfortunately, he insisted on starting on Episode 1.  Which means I have to watch Steve.  Lord, just please shoot me now.

You see, Steve was Blue's first owner.  Then Steve went off to college at 30 and left his brother Joe to watch over Blue.  Joe, stayed with the show until 2006.  Apparently, they don't make new episodes of Blues Clues anymore...but I digress...

Steve...I don't know what it was about him...but I couldn't STAND Steve.  Basically, Steve was a guy that lived in an enchanted house with his blue dog and couldn't function on his own, so he asked little kids to help him figure out to do basic stuff around the house. (I'm just sayin').  And of course, every show, you had to help Steven figure out what his dog wanted by playing Blues Clues.

I mean seriously, just ask the dog what she wants...

"Blue, it's kind of a busy day here.  Mr. Salt and Mrs. Pepper are going to ask me to help them in the kitchen, Tickety is going to need help in the bedroom, and I'm going to have to clean up some mess that you make.  So can we cut to the chase and you just tell me what it is you want?  If you don't, you might have to spend some quality time with Mr. Crate."

But I guess there is no real learning there.  There you have it, I'm subjected to listening to something like a bad British Panto ("It's BEHIND YOU) for the sake of my children.

If you see my old trashman

If anyone in Bealeton ever sees my old trashman, be sure to beat him up Stewie Griffin style and say "Where's Jessica's money bitch? Where is it?"

:)

Rumor has it he wants to start up the business again. He told my old neighbor this when he saw him recently. My neighbor quipped, "You ain't got no customers."

Seriously...like people are rushing to sign up after not having their trash picked up for months...years...and considering I'm gone...I don't know who's around to keep him in business...

But someone feel free to use my credit if you need to ;).

Beeltin' Bob

I HAVE to do this. This is a LOOOOOONNNNNGGGGG overdue post. About a year overdue...but since I no longer live in Bealeton, I feel I am safe to post this. 'Bob' isn't gonna come and get me. Well maybe he will. If he has time to track me down, then really he's more pathetic than I thought he was.

Anyhoo. About this time last year, some people stopped by my house to drop off a flyer about an upcoming easter egg hunt in the neighborhood. Included in this was a little newletter type paper. It was written by a man who called himself "Beeltin Bob". Beeltin' Bob declared himself the mayor of Bealeton. My first reaction at reading this was "really? we have a mayor? Maybe he can get that fucking fire department we need really badly." Then as I read on he told more about himself.

Apparently 'Bob' grew up in Bealeton. Then he moved to "The City" (I'm guessing that means Warrenton...I'm being a smartass). After many years he moved back again with his family (cause he's a really cruel sonofabitch to his wife and kids). Now 'Bob' is in love with his Bealeton and feels if there was a slot for mayor, well by golly it should be him.

After this Beeltin' Bob started talking about Bealeton itself and how it was like a city. He said it was like a city because we had different sections in it like a city. There was the 'rich area' (Liberty Run) and the ghetto area (Meadow Brooke --which he called Ghetto Brooke).

First of all, the Beeltin' thing annoyed the shit out of me. I found nothing 'cute' in spelling Bealeton wrong and trying to associate it with Bealeton. Just call yourself Bealeton Bob. The Beeltin' thing appears to me like he's trying to be rednecky or that he associates Bealeton as just a redneck oasis. (ok it is a little rednecky, but not everyone that lives there is). Second, I know people that live in Meadow Brooke. While they do admit to it always being called Ghetto Brooke...they themselves are not ghetto people. There are alot of people that live in Meadow Brooke that are just normal families. Yes ghetto type things happen there (robberies, wild parties, white trash living there), but there's alot of crap going on at Bealeton Station or at the condos at Marsh station. You gonna call that the ghetto? STOP PICKING ON MEADOW BROOKE...you certainly won't win 'votes' from citizens there if you want to become mayor.

However, the best of Bob's newsletter came in the form of a list he provided. It was a top ten list. It was the top ten dating places in Bealeton.

People...even though it's been one year, I cannot let this list go without tearing the shit out of it. I actually did draft this piece last year. Because you know this was something I couldn't sit on. However, the draft was in the form of an email to the bro (you all remember my bro). I sent it to him as a means of making him smile. I think it was successful.

So without further or due, here is Beeltin' Bob's with my comments below.

THE TOP TEN DATING PLACES IN BEALETON:

10. Rollerworks - if you haven't been on skates for a while, you might get close to your date as you fall and grab onto them.

This place has been closed since we moved here and whenever they do 'reopen it' it closes again in months...so hence why it's #10 I guess.

9. Popeye's Who doesn't love some good fried chicken and greasy fingers on a date?

I have no clean comment for this...except that my brother would probably approve of going to Popeye's...but I would hope not on a date...

8. Bealeton Mall - True Value, Radio Shack, Family Dollar, Noah's Ark, Rite Aid - nuff said...

Ok...first off...he considers that STRIP MALL two minutes from my old house a mall??? Since when??? And seriously...WHO in the their RIGHT MIND would take their date to any one of those places??? "Hey baby...let's go to True Value (a hardware store) to pick up some kinky stuff for later, Radio Shack for batteries for our kinky stuff, Family Dollar for a snack, Noah's Ark (a consignment store) for that engagement ring I keep meaning to buy you, and Rite Aid for condoms" ROMANTIC!!! Mind you he doesn't mention the restaurants that are actually there...

...hold on I'm thinking of them...

Wonder if they are still open...

Well there's McDonald's...

7. The Flying Circus - Everyone knows it's here in Bealeton, but who has ever been?

I personally think this should be higher on the list...like #1. And if he wanted to post this right, he could have mentioned...take a picnic lunch...watch the show...go on Hot Air Balloon weekend to take a hot air balloon ride and pop the question with a ring not brought at Noah's ark...but maybe say at least Walmart...Now THAT'S a DATE...(I personally while not very girly maybe would want a ring brought at a place slightly more classy than Walmart...but hey...as long as it's sparkly).

Honestly, I think me, the hubby and the kids combined went more than anyone in Bealeton does...his comment is very true...I mean they get a great crowd, but not Bealeton people. It's sad. Bealeton people, Fauquier people for that matter...GET YOUR ASSES to this show...it's history...and they are building a museum on the ground...a museum in Bealeton...they need money...give them your support!!!! (discount coupons available online...is that motivating you???)

6. Moo-Thru - Get a milkshake with 2 straws...how romantic!

This is probably the only cool suggestions he's made...for teenagers...

5. Karate Class - Perhaps you need to get out some pent up anger?

Seriously? On date? This should be on a list "Top Ten Couples night Out ideas." Nothing like beating the shit out of your hubby and saying "Just sparring honey!"

4. Zumba at Curves - Shake what your Mamma gave yA!

First off, Curves is closing (or closed by now)...as is everything in the strip mall by the vet's office...and second...um...no...to Zumba. Furthermore, if Curves were even still open...correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't Curves a gym for women? What man in his right mind would want to be caught dead at Zumba for one, not to mention at Zumba in a gym for women. Honestly, no 'Bealeton' man I know of. Unless he's not a boyfriend boyfriend...but like "Hey boyfriend" boyfriend...think about it...I know my husband wouldn't do it!

3. Hot Rod Night at DQ - Muscle cars and ice cream!

Again...um...no

2. Karaoke at Jerry's - How much fun would an off-key duet be??

SOO NO!! Jerry's is like the skankiest bar around!!! Really? Jerry's???? I'd put get take out Great Wall Chinese Restaurant and eat in the parking lot before singing Karaoke at Jerry's.

1. Watch a Redbox movie at home - For a relaxing snugglefest, assuming you can find a movie that was made prior to 1995 in at one of the 2 Redbox locations in Bealeton, oh, and we hope it is not "Out of Service".

first off...if this is the best in Bealeton, that is so sad...second off...this suggestion isn't even out in the town of Bealeton, it's at home...it's like saying "There isn't anything to do in Bealeton, stay home." And WTF is up with wanting to see a movie prior to 1995???

Hope this put a smile on your face! Love and miss you all! Even you Beeltin' Bob. If anyone gets another flyer from him...please feel free to send it my way...to shred...xxoo.

Tuck-Sun

When we first moved here, we had a slight issue with our mail. It took FOREVER for our mail to get forwarded here. Maybe it just felt like FOREVER because I was waiting for a replacement to the credit card I lost just one day before leaving Bealeton (timing, gotta love it). Anyway, I called the Bealeton Post Office to make sure they had all they needed and were really forwarding my mail.

The Postmaster was trying to be helpful. He found our forwarding order and was reading it back to me. Everything sounded ok until he got to the city.

"That's in Tuck-sun, Arizona." he read to me.

I paused.

"Um, you mean Tucson, right?" I asked.

Next followed a pause so pregnant I heard a baby cry after a while. Then the Postmaster laughed:

"AHHH, I was just testing you."

mmmm...hmmm...

One of the many reasons why I miss Bealeton.