TWEET TWEET TWEET TWEET

A few months back, I made this post about my cat Sable. She is a hunter through and through. I am a totally supportive cat mom, however, it's one thing for me to find her kill, totally another when I actually witness it. I have to thank her profusely with a tinge of horror in my voice. This post I'm doing for my friend Polarhound who witnessed the first event and got a major laugh out of it. And to this day, the memory of me flapping my arms in horror is burned in his mind and it makes him smile. So glad my idiotic behavior amuses someone...

At some point tonight, I decided to do the boob's laundry. I went outside to look for a baby towel that needed washing. Sable had been out for 1/2 the day. I came outside to see her totally stalking something. I actually got kinda lost in watching her. It was really something to watch her hunt her prey...get all in stalking mode. Her tail was swishing like mad...she kept crouching lower...and lower and lower.

I didn't have my glasses on, so I couldn't see what she was stalking. I can't see a damn thing without my glasses lately, so I figured maybe she was planning to jump up the tree. Well I stood there as quiet as can be, afraid to scare her out of her zone. Then suddenly, she bolted and pounced and I hear "TWEET TWEET TWEET TWEET". I ran up to the sandbox and sure enough she's got a bird in her mouth. I say "Sable baby, good girl, drop the birdie. Good job" (hey I gotta be a supportive mom right?)

So she goes "Sure mom, I'll drop it." and she starts heading for the upstairs deck door. She wants to drop it in front of the door on the upper deck...after she cracks it's neck. The poor birdie was still alive AGAIN and I tried to get Sable to drop it. I was flapping my arms, screeching at the cat (yes Polarhound, I was flapping my arms...) :P.

Somehow Sable dropped the bird and I had to 'birdblock' her (get it instead of cockblock hahaha). I kept batting her away from the bird and she kept trying to go after it. Finally, I had to pick her up,bring her upstairs and then inside. All the while, praising her for her hunt.
The Poor bird was still alive when I went outside. It was hopping around...but it wouldnt' fly. I'm not sure if it was in shock or not.

Hey, it could have been worse...Mystic could have gotten it and he could have personally plucked every feather and disembowled it because that's what he likes to do.

Yeah me...I LOVE my cats.

What does Michael Jackson use this hand for?

Ok, I know it's totally gay that I had a Michael Jackson doll as a kid, but can you blame me? There was a time when 1) The man was black and 2) he was a major sex symbol. And I admit I still love his music. So of course in the 1980's I was totally into 'black' Michael. Everyone had a doll Right? Right???

Obviously, the hubby's been at it again. He's found yet another thing for me to blog about regarding the Michael Jackson doll. This one is too funny not to blog about. First, he had issue with house Michael dressed. Now this isn't an issue regarding fashion sense. However, hubby is now completely raggin' on my doll.

The other day, the hubby brings me the doll and says:

"Look at Michael's hand. What do you suppose they expect him to use that hand for?"

I pause, look at the doll, smile, and say:

"His microphone."

Hubby replies, "Oh yeah, I bet he uses it for his microphone."

Look at the picture and judge for yourself.

The BB takes on Fauquier High School

today i did my obligatory one day substitute teaching for the county. I'll tell ya, I don't mind getting paid for doing nothing, however this was a pretty uncomfortable day. First off, I was subbing for a guy that doesn't have his own room. A teacher that doesn't have their own room is called a floater. Floaters are usually teachers that are relatively new to a school or they have less seniority than the others. They invade classroom after classroom, mooching space. There is no amrk of their own in the classroom. They are also under constant watch of their peers because the person that 'owns' the room stays there because a) it's 'their' room or b) it's their planning period and they couldn't possibly go anywhere else.

So you see the basics of what I delt with today. Here is how it all started. As advised by the county, I arrived over a half hour early to get settled in. THANK GOD I did this because nothing was right when I got there. Now because this teacher is a floater, I can see how things could go awry, however, I would have hoped that maybe this teacher could have had things laid out better. In his defense, I will say that the sub before me might have fubard it all.

The woman at the main office kindly (I'm being sarcastic) sent me to the teacher's lounge to find the substitute (sub) secretary. I found her and was given the teacher's schedule, and the schedule for the day. She tells me to report to his first Block classroom which is 213. His homeroom period has a big NA in the classroom box (because floaters have no classroom to do homeroom).

Next the sub secretary tells me a substitute handbook should be on the desk. Bingo, right there. This book is supposed to tell me everything I need to know. Ninety percent of it, I already know from subbing for the county and from being a teacher. However, it lacks one very important piece of information: lesson plans. I have no clue what I'm supposed to do with these kids. So I trot back to the sub secretary. She calls the department head (I was subbing for a history teacher (how appropriate). Then she sends me to his room.

I actually found the chair in an office across from his room. Turns out my guy does have an office (would have been nice to know that information). The department chair is a big, burly guy who is genuinely nice. he hands me two videos with a lesson plan and says "Here are his plans. Unfortunately, I cannot find his roll book." The chair goes off in search of roll sheets for me. while I was waiting, some stern looking guy comes in and checks my guy's desk. He doesn't look happy and he barely acknowledged my prescense (spell). I assume this is all over the missing roll book.

Eventually, the chair came back with some roll sheets. He also informed me that a video system was supposed to be delievered to the room, but he told me if it wasn't, I could borrow his (I had to borrow his).

I got back to Room 213 and prepared for the day. Turns out Room 213 belongs to stern guy. I can tell right off the bat that he's not from the area. He's very Italian. I got the New Jersey Italian feel from him, but it turned out he was from PA (close!). He was a pretty nice guy. He stayed in the room for about half the class period which was slightly intimidating, but not too bad.

As a whole, the day was cake walk. The kids had to watch a movie. Two classes had to watch thirteen days. Another class had to watch King Arthur. One of the classes watching thirteen days finished it within the first 10 minutes of class because they had started watching it another day (damn block scheduling--another blog for another day). The class was 14 boys and 7 girls. One boy said "I have Black Sheep with David Spade and Chris Farely". Of course EVERYONE wants to watch that. The teacher that 'owned' that class was on her way out (she actually left for me), but I turned to her and said "I don't want to get into trouble with administration for showing them that movie? Any ideas?" She tells the class she has a nice documentary on the 1960's they may like. A boy in the class coughs *lame*. She goes "you guys are lame." Then she turns to me and says "Show them the movie, it's the teacher's fault for not leaving you anything to do with them". And then leaves.

I love the movie Black Sheep and the kids were pretty much angels...except for constantly playing with the volume. oh and no one caught me...we were in the annex buildings...no one cares about people in there..

-BB

Say Beeh!

You know I have always meant to focus this blog on my life in this area. And lately I've had so many experiences that are just...well just wrong or plain damn funny. To refresh you all, Bealeton is located in Fauquier County, VA. Fauquier County has dedicated itself to preserving agriculture. Most of the area is farming communities and quite a few people I know own farms or own a large amount of land with animals (mini farm of sorts). This truly leads me to some interesting situations sometimes.

Every have one of those moments in your life where you go "How the hell am I going to get out of this?" while at the same time feeling like the biggest retard ever? Top it off, you know somewhere, someone is watching you going "what a dumbass". I've had many of these moments in my life. This is just one of them.

I belong to a stay at home moms club. I enjoy it. It has provided me and the boob with plenty of opportunities to get out and meet people. The boob gets a chance to play with other kids and I get a change to talk to people taller than me (I'm so begging for smart ass comments from my friends that read this blog). I've made some really good friend in the club and I've found a way to get involved in the community.

Anyway, one of the things this moms club does is it provides meals for a member that has just given birth. It's a nice way of helping a new mom adjust to a new baby in the house. Also, it's one less thing for a new mom to worry about. Recently, my friend, Saybeeh, gave birth to a ginormous boy. She has one daughter that is about the same age as the boob. and most of her family lives in Holland. Top it off, she and her hubby have major food allergies, therefore not alot of people were brave enough to cook a meal for them. So, I signed up to make her a meal.

Now me cooking for someone is not necessarily funny. It's more the act of me delivering the meal that's a riot. Saybeeh lives on one of the local farms. Their section of the farm is a sheep farm. Finding the farm wasn't hard, especially once I realized where it exactly was. That was phone call #1 to Saybeeh.

Me: "Hey, like how far from Great Meadows do you live?"

Saybeeh: "Oh just past it. Big sheep farm, can't miss it." (unless you are me).

Now I followed the directions fine, I thought. I went through the blue gate, started to drive on down. Then for whatever reason, I thought I should go through another gate. I got through this gate and I realized I'm lost. Phone call #2:

Me: "Where is your house?"

Saybeeh: "Where are you?"

Me: "I went through the gate and now I'm by the horses."

Saybeeh: "Oh I see you. Oh no, you don't go through that gate, go drived around and go back where you came from and go straight."

I drive around and thought I went straight. This time Saybeeh calls me. Phone call #3:

Saybeeh: "What are you doing?" -- Obviously she can see me from wherever she is.

Me: "Where is your car? What car do you drive?" (I'm so trying to save my dignity)

Saybeeh: "I'm not in that house, go back through the first gate and drive straight towards the white and black house."

I followed her directions, drove back through the first gate, and sure enough I see the house, clear across the field. All I have to do is...drive trhough the herd of sheep.

Oh yeah...this is gonna be good...

According to Saybeeh I can just drive through and they'll move. However, these fuckers wouldn't move for nothing. Seriously, Saybeeh is a liar. That or I'm a wimp (everyone go for #2). I start my way down and come to my first sheep road block. They don't move. I of course slow down my car because I'm afraid of killing a poor sheep. Still no one moves. I was also afraid to honk my horn and seem obnoxious so I inch ever so slowly until the sheep huffs and goes off. Ok, next road block. Unbeknowest to me, all the sheep start flocking towards me car (apparently full size cars are interesting things). As I'm trying to get through road block #2, I suddenly see them swarming to me. All of them are shouting a collective "BEEH!" Sheep peek in my windows, walk back and forth in front of my car, and bleet at me. Some even stop and take a leak as I'm inching towards them. I really must have gone only 2 mph trying to get past them. When I finally did get through the sea of sheep, Saybeeh was at her door and said

"You could have honked at them."

Trust me...honking doesn't work either. Sheep have got to be the dumbest animals EVER.

-The BB

Scotimus vs. The Bro - Part I

Here you are looking at something I *cough* took from my bro's room. The bro had this just lying around. Apparently it was drawn by Scotimus one weekend. In the picture we are staring at Scotimus (far left), the bro (middle-note the huge 'fro on his head), and Grania (note her boobs and triangle skirt...whatever THAT'S supposed to mean). Scotimus has decided to pick on the bro. He says to the bro: "Man, you're short." To which Grania replies "He's seen me naked". The bro, not wanting to take shit from a guy, attacks Scotimus and says "Man, you're gay." Grania sees the violence and goes "OMG" and runs off. Now is she going "OMG BOYS ARE FIGHTING, VIOLENCE MUST GET AWAY", or is she saying "OMG BOYS ARE SUCH ASSHOLES!!!" (I'm thinking #2).

Will the bro take Scotimus down? Will Scotimus get angry over the fact the bro's seen Grania naked? Stay tuned...

Scotimus vs. The Bro - Part II

Most annoyed with the bro's assault on him, and most annoyed that the bro's seen Grania naked, Scotimus decides it's time to start "Takin' out the trash". He holds the bro's life over the wastebasket...but then he decides the trash isn't enough for the bro. He decides to field kick the bro into oblivion. The Bro is most unhappy with this decision...

Will the bro be kicked to oblivion? Will he be able to return? Will Scotimus find Grania?

Scotimus vs. The Bro - Part III

This part of the story takes place, after Scotimus kicks the bro to oblivion. Unbeknowest to Scotimus, he kicked the bro into a nearby tree. And what luck, it's the same tree, the bro packs his heat...Scotimus is walking by said tree when the bro assaults him "Take that bitch". Scotimus goes down like a brick and the bro celebrates "Yeah".

Is this the end of Scotimus? Has the bro won? What does he win???

Scotimus vs. the Bro - Part IV

Scotimus vs. the Bro - Part IV

Apparently, Scotimus survived the firearm assault from the bro. He then shows up and says "I'm wearing my bullet proof vest". A barrage of firing between the bro and Scotimus ensues and the bro even gets out his trusty shield. But the shield doesn't stop Scotimus. The bro is crying out..."You got me in my foot!!"

Will the carnage ever end? Where the hell is Grania? Do these two even remember what they were originally fighting about? What were they fighting about??

Church Signs

Ok, I've held my breath through some really good ones. There was the "a Ch isn't a ch unless UR in it" sign. Then there were various others that said something like "Accept Jesus or you're going to hell", but I couldn't take this one. There is a particular church on 28 past Nokesville that has some really good signs. I shrug them off as idiotic, but this one totally takes the cake. A few weeks ago I was driving down 28 on my way home when I nearly slammed my brakes at the sight of this:

"Wal-mart isn't the only saving place in town"

Not kidding you people...they went there. They threw extra cheese on the corn. IT...WAS...BAD. I have no idea if they think this kind of advertising is actually going to bring serious people in or if they think people will come check out the church just to see who has the sheer balls to post something like that. Honestly, is there like a handbook someone wrote on signs to post in front of the church. You know, kinda like a church missle. It's the 'church sign missle'. You know during advent post this, after advent post this. There has to be because some are starting to look the same or rip off each other.

Another memorable sign as I drove down 29 the other day:

Love your Mother

11am on Sunday

See we've neglected our mothers so much that the church feels they need to designate a time we need to love her...

I'm sure there will be more on this issue. I wish I got pictures, I so wish I got pictures...