I smell MOO

It's been rather hot the past few days. Actually, it's been pretty freakin' humid. One morning, I went outside to get the morning paper and this smell just slapped me in the face. First I thought "Oh man, did I leave a bag of old kitty litter on the porch?" (It happens sometimes). I didn't see anything, so I went about my business. Then later, it hit me again. However, this time I heard a distinct 'moo' in the distance. Suddenly, I realized...

I smell cow.

And that is all I really have to say about that.

(3 posts in one day, aren't you all impressed?)--thank DiDi for telling me to get over being anal with this blog...lol.

Another thing...

Another issue I wanted to bring up about my George show is this: To anyone that goes to the Warner Theatre...

Don't wear shorts and a t-shirt to the theatre, it's offensive...

You are going to the theatre. It's kind of a formal experience. I'm not talking about ball gowns and tuxedos...I'm not even talking about wearing a tie. The hubby and I wore dress slacks and shirts. Hell you can wear a polo shirt and khakis. But please...have some respect for a fine establishment. It's not the comedy club down the street...it's the Warner Theatre. And yes maybe it's George Carlin, but it's George Carlin at the Warner Theatre.

Oh you say "But BB, George is wearing a long sleeve T-shirt and jeans." Yeah well...George is making me laugh and has been doing what he's doing for 40 years. He's the one on stage working. He can wear whatever he fucking wants. You however, wear khakis and a polo shirt. Hell, a nice pair of jeans and a polo shirt. Not shorts and a T-shirt.

Sorry that bothers me...big time.

-BB

There's someone for everyone

Ok, so I went to see the only living member of the Holy Trinity of comedy (George Carlin) last Saturday. The hubby got me tickets for X-mas. I was as excited as a little school girl. George was performing at the Warner Theatre in DC. We had tickets for the 7pm show.

We got to the theatre really early (about 40 minutes early). Our seats were like 6 rows back (xxoo hubby). One complaint however, the people sitting behind us.

The didn't speak during the show--they weren't THAT stupid. However, they spoke for the full 40 minutes before the show. It was quite entertaining.

Before I go into dialogue, I just want to describe them for you. THEY WERE FUCKING ANNOYING!! The guy was a typical jackass weirdo trying to score with/impress a chick. The chick was the whiney, needy type. I knew right off the bat they were freaks. Ok...now the dialogue. As Hubby and I were getting into our seats, I hear this:

Him: I don't know, South Park is just not doing it for me anymore. They just don't suprise me. It's...I don't know. I mean they've been doing it what ten years now. There isn't anymore to do you know? I just can't watch it anymore. [insert more dialogue of a man attempting to sound smart by talking about what's wrong with an animated sitcome using really big smart like words].

Girl: You think they've jumped the shark? (apparently this is phrase used for a show that's over doing it just to stay afloat -- Happy Days phrase...they hubby knew about this...I didn't...ANYBODY else hear about this phrase?)

Him: Not sure if it's jumping the shark. Just not doin' it for me anymore.

Then he switches to an attempt to schedule the next date.

Him: Hey, you know "The 40-Year Old Virgin" is coming out on DVD soon. If you buy it, you get free tickets to see "Knocked Up". But I don't want to pay alot for it, so I'm gonna shop around for it. Wanna go see "Knocked Up"?

[Ok...um...advise to fruitcake: If you are trying to get a girl to go on another date with you, acting like a CHEAP BASTARD won't get you far.]

Her: [insert whiney voice] Oh I don't want to go see that movie.

Him: Why not?

Her: The whole premise of the movie is offensive. I just won't go see it.

Him: What's offensive about it?

Her: The whole thing, it's just offensive.

Him: So he goes on a one night stand with a hot chick and gets her knocked up. What's offensive about that? It's not like she has an abortion. I mean there would be no movie then. (yup he said that...)

Her: [getting agitated] I just don't want to see that movie.

Him: The movie is gonna be great. I mean almost the whole cast from "The 40-Year old Virgin" are gonna be in it. Come on let's go see it.

Her: I don't want to see that movie can we just drop it?

Him: Ok, ok can you just be nice for two hours?

Don't worry everyone, as bad as this date seemed to be going, they still talked to each other later. They even talked about going away together. What was even better was they didn't talk during the show. This made me happy because if they did, I would have taken a pen to either my eyes or theirs.

PS. Did I mention George Carlin rocks?

What more could anyone ask for?

Ok...so we've discussed my sex drive. Now we can discuss my consideration for my spouse. I was in a rather silly mood yesterday. Well actually I was a ton of moods. It was weird. At one point while lying in my bed, I realized something...I wanted to KILL SOMEONE. Then suddenly, it dawned on me. "Oh crap...I'm PMSing." And because the hubby and I are thinking of procreating again soon, I'm not on any medication to make this easier on both of us. Therefore, I felt the need to leave a warning for my hubby. I left a note on the door so he would know what he was coming home to. I took a picture and tried to post it, but Blogger doesn't like me today. Basically the not said "Warning: PMSing, Enter at Own Risk".

Now how many men in this would would KILL to have their woman WARN THEM that they are PMSing. Yup, I warn. I always warned the men in my life. That's why I can't understand why my ex in high school never got a clue. Everytime I broke up with him I was PMSing. I feel, if given adequate warning this should tell the man one thing...DON'T FUCK WITH ME...and it should also tell them...bring chocolate.

The hubby came home and saw this sign. When he finally dared to enter the house, he said "Thanks for the warning". Later, however, he forgot about the sign and decided to argue with me over whether I told him to put the laundry in the dryer or not.

"Yes I did."

"No you didn't."

"Yes I did."

"No you didn't."

"What did the sign on the door say?"

"I wish I could PMS so I had an excuse."

Well we do have a chemical reason...and mess with us women during this special time...and you could lose your life..lol...or at least not get dinner...

I'm ready...I'm willing...where's my chocolate?

Ok so I went onto Susie bright's blog and read her blog for April 16th (go read it yourself). I saw this link on there:

http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=175188

I just want to say...this guy, whether he is kidding or not, couldn't be more off the base. First off...I don't want to even touch his comments on monogamy. Second, I AM a woman that is always wanting sex...and, well, let's just say my hubby is a lucky guy.

I'm so sorry Dan Savage's wife isn't giving it up...but the Bealeton Babe sure it.

Sorry for the TMI, but I just had to clear that up...

-BB

Polarhound is so proud of me.

My friend Polarhound is so stinking proud of me. Why? Because I got the balls the other day to call NHB radio and vent my guts out about Don Imus being punished repeatedly for his comments on the air about the Rutgers University women. I was telling Polarhound how I feel and he said to me "Call NHB radio and vent about it. They just went live on the air."

No Holds Barred Radio (NHB) is an internet based talk radio station. They have quite a few people that do shows, but the main show is No Holds Barred Radio. The guys are beyond shock jocks. Their awesome.

Of course when Polarhound said this I was like "No, I'm a wuss." Then he said "Do it." I said "No, I can't." Then he kept going "Do it, do it, do it, do it, it'll make you feel good". Finally, I succumbed to the pressure and called. (Mostly, I just wanted Polarhound to stop saying "do it, do it, do it.").

I picked up my phone and dialed. Someone picked up right away which surprised me cause I always get the busy signal whenever I call a radio station. I stuttered "Oh...um I wanted to talk on the air." (DUR!!!) The guy said "you're on" (FUCK!!!! MEEE!!!!) And it went down like this:

Damon (radio guy): "Hey are you a nappy headed ho?"

Me: "No, but I'm a freakin' Puerto Rican"

*Laughing* this makes me feel redeemed.

Damon: What's on your mind?

Me: Yeah I wanted to vent about this whole Imus thing. You see, my dad and I listened to Imus when I was a kid and I love him. I really don't see what's the big deal with Imus calling these girls 'nappy headed ho's'. I mean, I could think of a million other worse things to call them. Also too, this is Don Imus we are talking about here. Of course he's gonna say something like that. It's who he is. But what really gets me is I know these girls are going to the club and their boys are calling them 'nappy headed ho's' and they are laughing.

Radio guys totally start agreeing with me. Then Damon continues

Damon: Listen Jessica, i gotta ask you. You are, like these girls, a woman of color. I have to ask you, what do you think of Imus calling these girls 'nappy headed ho's'? Were you offended.

Me: no, not at all.

We went on to talk about the issue. Agree with me or not. Whatever. But please refrain from the negative comments. I just honestly feel there is a double standard going on here and a much deeper race issue than we care to talk about. I was afraid to talk about this on here, but honestly the whole thing bothered me. I was crushed Imus was fired especially because he apologized repeatedly and he's being made 'an example of' but I doubt anything will follow after this.

But more about my radio debut...

The guys started chit chatting me a bit and they asked me where I was from, I told them and explained the area a bit. I then said I was originally from NJ. Damon said I should be glad to be out of NJ. He said anywhere farther from NJ was good. Then they asked me what my husband thought of me listening to this type of radio. Well they were more like "you're husband lets you listen to this." I then admitted he was not home. They laughed. I know more was said, it was pretty cool. Go me. Polarhound said he was extremely proud of me. His influence is getting me to pick up bad habits.

Snagged at Church

Ok, ok, so I'll admit, I'm not the most devout Catholic in this world. I maybe go to church 2-3 times a year, tops. One of the only days I go happens to be Palm Sunday. (Which also coincidentally was April Fool's Day this year...but that's a whole other post). Lucky for me, I attended church this year. I promised my mom I was going for my Palm, and basically when you tell mom you're going, it means...YOU'RE GOING.

So there, I was in my church which is the only Catholic Church in town. Of course, being that it was the only Catholic church in town it was standing room only. Usher kept coming up to people telling them they could stand against the wall in the chapel. I, however, was standing in the doorway just watching the service through the glass doors. Personally, I felt the families should get first dibs on standing in the chapel over the single, lonely people like me. So I stood my ground in the entry way. Besides...was closest to the exit way...

My church was pretty accomodating when it came to handing out palms. They filled two 4' baskets with palms which allowed people to just grabbed their palms and go sit down (or stand in mine and 40 other people's cases). I also found this pretty nifty because technically, I could have grabbed my two palms (one for me & hubby plus one for the boob) and ran for the hills. However, I was a little more devoted then that and I stayed...but not much longer.

I completely forgot that at the Palm Sunday service, many churches go through the "Passion of the Christ" which for you pagans out there is the story of the Holy Supper through Jesus death and his later resurrection. So therefore, it's a long friggin' story. But I STILL didn't leave. No, no, I listened to the Passion. Of course during the whole time I was listening, I was debating whether I should just drop my 'yearly donation' into a nearby basket and run. Alas, no, still waited.

After the passion, people couldn't decide if they were supposed to sit, stand, or kneel, so we debated that for a few minutes. Then the priest talked about something that I blocked out. FINALLY, after the priest said his due, I saw the beautiful little donation baskets being passed around. I had already decided in my head, since I"m a heathen and can't do communion, I would drop off my donation and leave. I was even nice enough to wait for the basket to come by me. I dropped off the donation and walked right out the door. As I was leaving I was thinking to myself, "heck they were lucky I even came. Now the hubby and I can drive in one car to his mother's. He won't have to meet me here. I have plenty of time to go home." But then suddenly I heard.

"Where are you going?"

AHHH!! Snagged. Now for anyone that isn't Catholic and doesn't get this...there is a rule in the church. You cannot leave before the priest does. It's bad. Of course everyone does it, but still, it's bad. My mom used to yell at my dad for trying to leave right after communion but my dad always answered "I'd like to leave the church within the hour." And he was pretty comfortable with the fact he was going to hell so he didn't mind adding "left before the priest" on his list.

I truthfully dont' mind adding it to my list. However, I didn't like getting caught. It also didn't help that I got caught by a member of the church I really get along with. And she even said it to me like I was a bad little toddler. I stammered to her that I had to meet my husband and I really had to go. Said all the pleasentries and all then left. I was probably more irritated that somone was getting annoyed with me for breaking a rule that about 20 other people had broken before I even did. But whatever. I know I"m going to have great company in hell.

-The BB