Utterly Stupid

I keep trying to work on my confidence...it's been low as of late. See I've been used to working five jobs, completely multiple tasks...oh and getting paid for them. For many years I was the "How could I ever get along without you?" employee. Now I'm a mom...24/7...barely any breaks...and as wonderful as a job it is...I'm still trying to find my place in this world. I know mommy is a big job...but sometimes I feel like I should be doing something more. Then...I always seem to get a kick in the stomach when it comes to my confidence. Someone will say something that will just take everything I'm trying to build away. It can be the littlest, stupidest thing...and I just crumble. And then I end up thinking to myself..."Well is it because they think I'm just a mom?"

Trust me when i say I don't want to work. In my ideal world I would be a novelist already making lots and lots of money. I don't want to be teaching in the classroom just yet. I want to spend these days with the boob. However, I miss making MY own money (hubby hates when i say this...but as his birthday draws near...I keep wondering how I'm going to be able to buy his truly awesome bday gift...) and i guess I miss having a project to do and complete. I'm lost in a way. There is only so many times you can clean the house, take recylcing to the center, and scrub the fridge...I've joined a mom's club that gets me out 1-2 times a week (I've put a cap on it because they sometimes have stuff EVERYDAY of the week...but um...that's a bit much for me) but I keep feeling I want/need more.

And sometimes I think, people expect me to be more...

I don't know, it's a double edge sword...I wish I could just find that happy place. But it's hard...can't write when you're occupying someone's attention 24/7 either and your husband is always out...I mean look at how often I update this blog...it's nothing I had envisioned for it...