Please Present your Birth Certificate, Social Security Card, and Retina Scan...

Ok, so like I have some explaining to do...but real quick in a nutshell, let me explain it...

Moved to Arizona...got dreamhouse, fell in love with the place after hating it for a few months...hubby didn't like job...moved back...happy to be around family...miss dreamhouse...learning lesson in materialism...(talk about that later)...

By moved back, I don't mean Bealeton...by moved back I mean back to the east coast, back to family, back a little closer to friends (but not close enough).  We moved to Maryland, a little North of Baltimore and that's all you really need to know.  I live closer to my parents than I have in twelve years and that's kind of cool.  Makes traveling easier.

So why write as the Bealeton Babe you ask?  Why not create a new blog?  Well because I created a new blog in Arizona and look how fucking well that turned out...See adventure in Arizona while it's still up...because in a few days, I'm going to delete it and just move the posts here...gradually...when my heart heals (yes husband, I'm laying on the guilt trip thick...because that's how the Bealeton Babe would do it..).  And while we are on that subject still...if you haven't figured it out, the bealeton Babe just isn't a blog about living in Bealeton, she is also a persona I take on...kind of like another personality...so the blog stays...deal with it...

Anyway, the real reaons for this post...I MOVED.  When you move this means you have to fill your new address on like fifty fucking hundred forms at school, the doctor's office...and the lovely place we like to call DMV...or MVA as it's called in Maryland.  Two weeks ago, I went to the MVA to finally get my Maryland Driver's license.  I went while two of my three children were in school and my youngest was napping.  It seemed like the smart and sane thing to do.

Before going to the DMV...I mean MVA...I researched carefully what I would need to bring because I wanted to be prepared.  It sucks enough to have to wait at these places, sucks even more to have to go home and start over again because you forgot one very much needed piece of paper.  Items listed on the DMV...I mean MVA..website that someone like me (getting a license after moving) would need:

2 forms of identification...birth certificate, current driver's license, US Passport...I chose to bring my birth certificate & AZ driver's license...I don't really like carting my US Passport around...too afraid of losing it.

Proof of US residency...apparently a birth certificate isn't enough (and hold your Obama comments people...they annoy me).  You need to bring your social security card for that...a document I really don't like sharing...but for the DMV...I mean MVA...fine...

Two documents that prove your residency...this could be a utility bill, first class mail from a goverment agency, your bill of sale from the house, and other various weird shit they posted that they accept.

Had to bring my marriage license to prove I was married to my husband (don't ask me why...I'm on the bill of sale...and I already am providing proof of my identity)...this said marriage certificate cannot just be signed by a reverend, it had to be signed by a court clerk and a seal had to be affixed.  Why the fuck I would invite the court clerk to my wedding to sign a document, I don't know...but at least I had a seal on it.  I think it's the only reason why they accepted it.  That and it's from Prince George's County, MD.

After collecting these documents and then some, I went to the DMV (excuse me, MVA) with my sleeping toddler to start the Driver's license process.  Amazingly enough, it was not busy there that day.  My wait was maybe a half hour.  This made me pretty happy because I really only had two and a half hours to get my license because my older son was due to get out of school by three.  

I pulled the stroller up to the window and presented all my documents.  Things were going somewhat ok.  At first, the clerk had to get permission to use a tax bill that the department of taxation sent me as proof of residency.  The reason she had issue with it is because I did not have the orginal envelope that it came it...

REALLY????

"Um, no, my husband doesn't keep the envelopes when he gets the mail. Why?"  I answered when asked about the envelope.

"Well because you need to have first class mail from a government agency." the clerk explained.

REALLY???? My fucking name is on the document.  Along with my new address.  Why do you need an envelope with a first class stamp and my new address to prove my residency?  It's on the damn document!!!!

But whatever, she got APPROVAL to use the document.  We proceeded to take my picture and process all the other documents.  Things were going swimmingly when suddenly, the clerk applied the brakes at a most surpising moment.  She picked up my birth certificate, took one look at it and announced...

"I can't use this."

"Excuse me?"

"I can't use this." The clerk repeated, "It's not a birth certificate."

"Um, yes it is."

"No, it isn't.  It's a birth register certificate."

"It's my birth certificate."

"I can't use it. We stopped using them in New Jersey and Maryland."

"I've had this birth certificate my whole life.  I've used it for everything.  It's all I've ever had."

Ok the last bit I said was a lie...there's a funny story about me having THREE birth certificates, but that's like a Bealeton babe birthday post for the future...so for now...just go with the fact that I have ONE birth certificate...that apparently isn't a birth certificate.

"Do you have a passport?" the clerk offered.

"Yes, but not on me because I don't like to carry it.  Besides, you said you would take a birth certificate as a form of ID."

"But we can't take this."

"It's my birth certificate!"  I'm starting to get a little loud and for the first time in a long time the Bealeton Babe is actually coming out in public.

"I'll need your passport."

I stare hard at the clerk, "So I'm going to have to go through all of this again?"

"No miss, we can start from where we left off."

I pointed to my toddler, "Well I hope he stays asleep."

Then I stormed off to go home to get my passport.  As I'm leaving with my paperwork in hand, I started flashing my birth certificate, excuse birth REGISTER certificate to people sitting and waiting.  Like a crazed lunatic that I've become (aka Bealeton Babe), I start shouting "It says BIRTH CERTIFICATE ON TOP...SEE??? BIRTH...CERTIFCIATE!!!  SEE!!!!!!!"

I stormed out, sped home, got my passport, sped back.  I'm starting to get nervous because it's getting dangerously close to pick up time at the preschool.  However, luck is on my side again and I only had one person ahead of me in line.  

This time, I had different lady.  She of course had no knowledge of my previous visit.  She had to go asking around about me so she can figure out where the last clerk left off.  Her manager had to come up and AGAIN explain to me WHY my birth REGISTER certificate won't work.  I have my passport this time, therefore, I have no idea why this is necessary.  This only causes me to snap at her that this is the birth certificate I've had my whole life and that the Department of State found it acceptable to issue me a passport with said birth cerficate.  To which the manager replies:

"Well we don't accept them here.  It doesn't list the parents on there."

REALLY???  REALLY???? Just fucking REALLY?????  The fact that a birth REGISTER certificate has EVERY detail on it that a birth certificate does, right now to the time I was born EXCEPT whose vajayjay I came out of????  And you REALLY need to know that to confirm my identity?  Really??  What do you tell adopted kids?  Really?  What do you tell them?  I just really need to know the exact sperm responsible for your birth and the vajayjay you came out of in order to confirm your identity...Really...think about that.

In the end the passport allowed me to get my MD driver's license from the DMV...I mean...MVA (why can't they just call themselves DMV like EVERYONE else????) They seized my AZ driver's license with the cool picture...bummer, but I made it to preschool with minutes to spare.

What really puts a bee in my bonnet (no there's more), is that they had a record of my previous driver's license from 2002 in Maryland.  Think about that...they have a record of them issuing me a driver's license in 2002.  Therefore, in 2002, I had all the documentation that satisfied them to issue me a driver's license.  What's the fucking fuss for?  Just reinstate my driver's license...for real.

To add insult to injury, not one week later, due to the fact that I proved MY residency and proved MY marriage to the hubby, the hubby received a cool reinstated driver's license in the mail.  Not kidding you people.  Because apparently he moved back to the state, hubby just got a nice little piece of paper to carry with his AZ driver's license that says he has a Maryland driver's license...

You want to know the best part?

The hubby lost his birth certificate during our move from AZ.

How very convienent...

On that note...it's good to be back...